A World of My Own

..gulp....

2005-03-01T15:58:00.000+08:00

im pretty sure of one thing right now.im seriously in need of help and the only person who can help me right now..is ME!! thats right.. i think i've been thru this before..where i start ranting how much i need to pick up on mylife again... well my life right now is a total mess...mainly my studies

if my dad knows this he'll kill me(actually there would b a few more waiting in line to have a piece of me..) but i havent been going to classes..i know i know..but things have been so tough for me.im not trying to make excuses but i dont even wanna get up in the morning..i dont feel like seeing my classmates or lects..i just wanna stay with my friends..go out or stuff like that. my know my friends havent mentioned anything cos they have seen first hand whts going on when my dad came to stay the other day...but i know they want me to go to class at least...

i wanted to start again today..but i couldnt sleep last night..and when i finally dozed off i was in a very very bad dream.wheni woke up i ddnt even wanna open my eyes till noon.i dont know.i'll try again tommorow...i dont knowla...

i must try...i need help..but i have to help myself first.i lied when i told the counsellor im alright...bullshit..im not alright.i'm not wonderwoman..i cant be everyone's hero...even superheros get weak and lonely somtimes...but me..im only human.theres only so much i can take.it takes a toll on me too.but when im weak i cant seem to stand up again despite all the encouragement and words of love...

how do i get out of it.please dont tell me shower and take a walk or stuff like that.dont distract me cos im not a kid u can stop crying by giving her a lollipop..but most of all please dont tell me im stronger than this cos i know...i know how much more there is left and im almost drained.

i wish someone would hug me right now..but even if anyone tried..id turn away cos it'd be too overwhelming..im so sad..so deeply cut..but i must go on...i must go on..i owe it to god who put me here..who wanted me to live mylife.how can i not go on...

i must go to class tommorow(ive explained my absence to my lects before this)...i must try.but i just hope i dont get phone calls that basicly screws up my emotions again.im an emotional person..i feel a lot..but that would be last thing i need right now...

please help me...please help me help myself...

i went swimming..

2005-02-26T14:36:00.000+08:00

things were really high on emotions yesterday and when my friends asked me out for swimming i just had to go.i couldnt remember the last time i went swimming.heck..i even forgot how to swim. so we went around 4 and the moment i got in the pool i ddnt want to leave..i had fun..its been quite a while i felt tht relaxed..

i rememered how to swim again...hehehe..its still rusty but i can still get across the pool without sinking in...hehehe.isplashed about with my closest friends..screeching with laughter and at times just lazing about talking about things going on in our campus life. there was one time i just laid back and floated.i felt like a corpse for goodness sake,it if was possible to feel tht. but the thing was when i was floating..my head half in the water..i couldnt hear anything but my own breathing..it was the most peaceful thing i felt..i closed my eyes and just drifted for a while...

i felt peaceful...but at the same time i felt alone.it wasnt scary..just plain peacefulness...i wish i had died that day..it would have been the perfect way to go..the perfect moment..when my thoughts were all peacful for just that moment...sounds depressing..but it was how i felt..

me wanna go swimming again....hmmm....

me vewy vewy lonely...

2005-02-26T14:21:00.000+08:00

this one week had been absolutely crazy.lets start with some good news first. my supervisor came down from UTM. my degree project title got approved without and problems.now i can get along with the paper work for it. hear comes the bad news.stop reading here if ur sick and tired of my probs..it just gets worse from here on...

i called my dad last week and asked him how things were going.things were really bad and some how some way i managed to get my dad to come and spend a few days with me. throughout the time my dad poured out everything inside to me.he was pretty much a dead man,not wanting to live anymore.ive never seen my dad cry that way and it hurts most cos he was crying in my arms.wht daughter can accept that role?? but thank god i was strong enought to not cry with him.when i went home to kluang to see how things were, i saw with my own eyes how mom was treating dad.the lack of respect..no love..nothing there.my dad had no life there anymore..
i made the biggest choice in my life.. i convinced dad to leave home.

i spoke to him and told him to get out,to get a job and get his life back.he agreed and his friends are backing me up.on a sadder part,my bro decided to put his studies on hold and look for a job.as im writing this they both are at an interview in kl..all the best to u guys..

dad said tht ive given him a new lease of life.when we met up with my bro his figthing spirit came back.he wasnt as weak as before and now he's living on for his children. as for mom,she's playing her emotional games.she said she wanted dad to get out to get his life,but then she swore she'll never call him again.so she calls me up and says things like take care of ur dad..im really sorry..i love u all very much..all the best in ur studies...it was almost last words..and she kept on doing it over and over again.when i ask her very gently whats wrong and whts going on..tht she can talk to me...she goes beserk..screaming her head off...

when does it ever end..

Desiderata

2005-02-20T21:34:00.000+08:00

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

-- Max Ehrmann--

last night while i was helping my dad pack his stuff to leave,we came across this poem,we sat back together and i read it out loud..we savoured each word..cutting us deep as every bit reflected us so much..its okay dad..im here for you

we'll start off together from a dead end into a new beginning... i promise you,i'll bring back the man i once knew in you..the one she took away..i love you dad..

rush rush

2005-02-08T15:29:00.000+08:00

this is not a good day.actually theres nothing wrong with it..the sun is shining,im surrounded with friends and a really bored cat.theres laughter in the house but still..something's wrong but i cant quite put my finger on it..

i have this heavy wave of emotion rushing thru me over and over again.i cant help feeling really down,really lonely and really sad..i wish i knew wht it is..listening to Ryan Cabrera isn't helping either..its actually making it worse. it's been a week i havent called home. when mom calls or dad calls i dont feel like talking.i know i shouldnt be doing that but still.. and its been almost 3 months im here, and i dont have the urge to go home..

people from the past have been walking back into my life.it shouldnt have mattered but it does.its disturbing emotionally..stirring up feelings that i hate to ponder upon but its just there.it started off during the time i wrote last in my blog. the previous night,an old friend messaged me.well lets start pouring it out now..

Yuvan is a guy in college that ive known since i came in here.he's a dip student and since the first semester he's been dissing me cos i dont mix much with indian students.the thing is if only they broaden their mind,they would have known that i am still indian despite the language limitation.they speak english,i speak english..so whats the problem!!! and after all that dissing..they question me why i dont join them..puhleazze la... so almost 2 to 3 years later,im a commitee member for a debate competition and he's one of my crew. one of his friends blurted out that he has a crush on me.i thought it was a joke cos i dont remember talking to him enough for us to know each other to the extend tht he likes me. so the following night he asks me to see him and i went down the block to see him.he takes me around campus for a walk and confesses his love and asks me when can we be a couple.i was shocked and tht shock turned into a deep phobia and when i went home i was crying non-stopped..i was shaking and i was scared shit...of what i had no idea..till now..i have no idea.

the next day after a long day of classes and return home.i go to my desk to place my books,and what do i find? a piece of paper with my name written over and over again almost close to a hundred i think and red inked roses along the paper.i still have it till now but the thing is when i first saw it i freaked out and i was so angry i wanted to scream my head off. my housemates got worried and they asked me if i wanted them to tell him to stop and i just nodded.so they told him tht i wasnt ready for it.

now after 2 years all that happens and he's gone from campus,he messages me and thinking that its all in the past i reply and start chatting with him thru sms.he tells me something that just blows me away.he is still in love with me and he's waiting for me and despite everything i say he'll still keep waiting.this is a guy for the past 2 years has never called me,written to me or any communication at all and yet he still loves me?? i think he's just in love with love..and the idea of waiting.. my friends tell me that i shouldnt bother cos ive told him what i needed to say and let him be if he doesnt want to listen.but he's waiting at my expense..im thinking tht i might turn out to b a very cruel person for just letting him do that...and just keep waiting but nothing i could do to make him stop.

it if was anyother person..id die for such devotion but let me tell u about him. he's almost 6ft5 i think and a huge giant compared to me despite the fact im 5ft7. but he's very very girlish.my friend has seen him dancing in the room wrapped in a sari..and everytime he talks to me its all gosip bout this and that and who's doing what with whom..something tht i practically dont bother.. he's just not my type.if i took him in id have done it cos i sympthise with him.wouldnt i be hurting him if i wasnt being honest? i dont feel safe with him and i dont even feel like sharing anything like that. and ive always avoided him cos he has bad mouthed me a lot.so im still saying no no matter what. before he ever even told me he likes me he was already planning the future by planning how he wants to propose to my family and who will take care of me when he leaves for studies...hello???? do i look like someone who'd want all that???

and im not even past fuming that when Simon calls and asks me out.he's my first date and he ddnt want anything serious with me and here he is playing games all over again and i told him straight if he was coming for something else he'd better not come at all. so he apologized and said it would only be for a drink..he just wants to see me for a while..its been a year after all...s o i said ok..and he might just drop by tonight.

im sick and tired of all this nonsense.im throwing myself into work to avoid all the routine work and problems around.it makes me feel really lousy and makes me not wanna get up at all. maybe i'll go play basketball this evening again and just forget everything.. besides ive been chatting with a friend online and its been very great and relaxing..takes my mind on a lot of things when talking to him.. thanks a lot a Heman..

later...when im feeling better i'll write again..

back...

2005-02-05T05:17:00.000+08:00

its been half a month since i wrote here.not tht i ddnt want to,the campus server broke down n im writing from my friends' place again. i'm having my mid semester break for this one week starting from today.yes..thats right..more leave...arghhhh!!!! boring laa..

well lets see..whts interesting so far..oh oh..i know.i just gotta write this down. i went out on Thaipusam day,on the 25th last month. i went to meet a friend that ive never met before but known each other for a while. i chatted with him before when college was still in langkawi but lost track after that.surprisingly one day he said hi when i was online,i ddnt remember him but he remembered every single detail about me. we caught up about everything and he was happy to know tht im in negeri sembilan now. coincidently he was on his semester break and was working part time.one day he messages me and asks me out..i just had to say yes.

his name is Rajkumar,he'll be 24 this year and he's an engineering student in KDU. he's from Perak. ok ok..back to the main story. so we met up in midvalley,he was an hour late due to the jam..i ddnt mind,went jalan jalan around while waiting for him. so finally he shows up and from the moment we met,we got on like a house on fire.it was laughter all the way..

we went looking for a place to have lunch when he suggested sushi.i was delighted cos i never had sushi before and been longing to try it. so we went to Sushi King and sat at the counter. he picked out everything for me to try and i tried everything. ..no holds barred...and he was happy tht i was daring enough to eat stuff that i ddnt know what it was.hahah..i even tried eel before knowing it was eel..hehehe

then we went to catch a movie.went to see National Treasure.it was okay,not that intersting but still just okay. we walked around for a bit and then he suggested coffee.so he took me to San Fran and he ordered coffee,let me pick out my fav cake and also his fav cheese cake.we sat outside and talked so long that we ddnt realize that we actually spent 3 hours there sharing cake and life stories...i even managed to watch the sky get dark..then it was time for me to leave cos i had to take the commuter back.so he sends me off,it was hard to part cos we were having such a lovely time.he told me if only he ddnt hav to work he would have accompanied me back and crashed in his relatives place in seremban.it was so sweet of him.and after promises of meeting up again and a very very long handshake..i finally left.we've been keeping in touch and probably will be going out again soon,when we both have leave actually..looking forward to that...

well thats the only highlight so far..woke up in a very bad mood today around 3pm.i absolutely refused to get up earlier due too my mood.only when my friends dropped by and asked me to join them only did i bother to get showered and all. the thing is the previous night i got a message from an old friend.well i dont want to get into that..maybe some other time la..

anyways..lets see what happens this week..Gong Xi Fa Chai..

hari raya haji...

2005-01-19T02:59:00.000+08:00

raya is this friday..means friday holiday,saturday and sunday..then monday class,i have only one class and then 25th is Thaipusam..sigh..leave again..sigh. all totalling i actually have almost a week of leave and im not going home.everyone is going home and i'll be left alone for those few days..few days??? no lah..its 6 days!!!!!..sigh..

part of me is longing to go home cos i dont want to be alone..but home is much more lonelier..if theres such a thing. when i think of home i can almost instantly mess up my thoughts.its like a phobia i have now. ive been having bad dreams since all my troubles started but lately its getting worse.worse cos its affecting me badly.id wake up crying and i wont be able to sleep again..

my dreams are too horrifying as it focuses mainly on my mom's suicide attempts..i see things tht i never want to see..i hate it so much.. i wish it would go away..but i guess time will decide that. i know my family have began to hide things again from me.maybe becos im so tied up with my studies im almost drained and non-enthusiastic when i talk to them.. i feel bad cos i want to be there for them but i cant seem to do it. i have no more energy left,im not strong..

please dont think you know how strong i am just becos im able to hide things deep inside,im just pretending to be strong.im not,im just a kid in many ways. i cant deal with it..i really need help..serious help. im actually looking for organisations or something tht i can go to..maybe in this next few days tht i have leave...

what am i doing..im not even thinking straight.. i dont know..im in a mess.ive been having this heavy load in my chest that i cant seem to let out. i miss my family so much,my dad,mom..and even my bro.. but im scared to go home just incase i hear all those arguments again,incase more secrets come up when i pick up the phone..its too horrifying for me..its traumatizing.

im blessed with frens who love,trust,care and understand so much.but i never want to burden them cos its not fair..but i just am really helpless.. i want to go home but im scared shit. writing this almost doesnt make sense but these are my thoughts now..see how messed up it is?? i use to be organized but everything is a mess now...

i have a busy semester..and i have to focus right now. maybe i might take a trip to town when my friends are gone,if theres any tickets left..i might just go home...might..we'll see...

ghost stories...

2005-01-15T15:45:00.000+08:00

im writing here from my friends' place. hanna and i decided to spend the weekend here. it was fantastic reunion with my four fav cats in the world..muahahahaha.miss them,big fatty lazy Ranma,pinkish Jedi, tiger-look-alike Junior and the ever non-growing Garfield..love them to bits!

last night we were watching a ghost hunting program from indonesia.ive watched the local product before but this is definately totally unlike it at all.these ones u can really see the images of the ghost and people being possesed by spirits and all..creepy but cool..

staying in this house,its like living in anime wonderland.my friends are so into anime u name it and they seem to have everything,one of the favs naturally being Naruto. me catching on the fever too,nothing good on tv so me join a long. i have to say its really cute and adorable tho the high-pitched voices does get to me sometimes.well not often enough to make me stop watching!

back to my ghost stories..man do i have a collection of stories or what. well the thing is back in secondary school i used to live in a boarding school.and since i was living on an island near borneo,the school was located at the corner of the island. history has it that that school was built on a land that was previously a Japenese 'slaughter house' during the war...imagine the stories i know..

on a personal experience,ive only had it twice.well its not exactly a viewing but just a mild unknowing experience. one time when i was about 3,something got into me and i couldnt stop crying the whole day and wouldnt eat for days.and despite all that i had a strength of an adult.even my dad couldnt hold me down and i had the strength to push him away..then they called the 'ghostbusters' and shooed it away,tied up a protection thingy for me and ive been safe ever since.got a guardian with me..hhehehe

second experience was in boarding school. one night my friends and i were staying up late in the tv room catching up with some homework and studies. we were sitting at a low coffee table when suddenly my friend came and sat really close to me.so i asked her if she was alright..she ddint answer me and when i looked at her she was as pale as a..welll a ghost so to speak...so i told everyone to gather up their stuff and head towards our dorms.

the next morning,i asked her what happened and she told me.she was feeling bored and was looking outside the window to the clothes drying area,there were no clothes there but she saw something white hovering.thinking it was her imagination she looked away for a few minutes.she looks back..the thing is still there..she looks away and looks back this time tht thing does something weird..it throws stones at her.when she looked at the stone it wasnt ordinary stones.it was round and whitish like pearls.thts when she freaked out and went beside me..

i guess we truly are living in a dimensional world and the otherside cant exactly be explained. living with supernatural forces and the unexplainable...

later..

Dangerously in Love...

2005-01-14T02:29:00.000+08:00

I love you

Baby I love you
You are my life
My happiest moments weren't complete
If you weren't by my side
You're my relation

In connection to the sun
With you next to me
There's no darkness I can't overcome
You are my raindrop
I am the sea

With you and God, who's my sunlight
I bloom and grow so beautifully

Baby, I'm so proud
So proud to be your girl
You make the confusion
Go all away
From this cold and messed up world

I am in love with you
You set me freeI can't do this thing
Called life without you here with me
Cause I'm Dangerously In Love with you

I'll never leave
Just keep lovin' me
The way I love you loving me

And I know you love me
Love me for who I am
Cause years before I became who I am
Baby you were my man

I know it ain't easy
Easy loving me

I appreciate the love and dedication
From you to me
Later on in my destiny
I see myself having your child
I see myself being your wife
And I see my whole future in your eyes
Thought of all my love for you
sometimes make me wanna cry
Realize all my blessings

I'm grateful
To have you by my side

Every time I see your face
My heart smiles
Every time it feels so good
It hurts sometimes
Created in this world
To love and to hold
To feel
To breathe
To love you

Dangerously in love
Can't do this thing
I love you , I love you, I love you

I'll never leave
Just keep on loving me
I'm in love with you
I can not do

I cannot do anything without you in my life
Holding me, kissing me, loving me
Dangerously I love you
Dangerously in love

-Beyonce-

Grounded For Life

2005-01-10T18:46:00.000+08:00

haven't written here in a while.too much has been going on and im kinda sick and tired of writing all the shit in mylife right now. well just a fast recap of what has happened. lets see...okay good thing first; i finally bought a denim jacket,a jacket that ive been longing for ages. it set me back RM 44 but actual price was RM 89,too good discount and i couldnt resist. on the same day my friend and i managed to donate a crate of mineral water for tsunami victims.i know i know..its not much,but its all we could afford at tht time..

on the sadder part,my bro almost threw in the towel for his degree studies..shoke me up a bit but in the end he's giving it another shot.a friend of mine is divorcing his wife who has been cheating on him..could things get any worse? of course it can..it always does..sigh

studies have been a rollercoaster ride-wild but fun at the same time.glad im actually saying that despite what has been happening.maybe ive found peace by throwing myself into my work load n just not bother about anything else..my mom wants me to come home when i can..i dont know,lately ive been very distant from my family.i know i should b giving them all the support but i have been doing that and im truly exhausted..

i wish they could understand that im really going through a tough time doing something thats totally jargon to me and something i have minimal interest in.i took a wrong turn by putting standards first instead of focusing on interest..it was a costly mistake tht im still paying for.and the only way i can come out of it if i have tons of money...obviously thts out of the question..

i want to make a meaning of mylife cos right now im not living it for me.im living it for other people,im succeeding so that i can make other peoples' lives easier..but what about my hopes and dreams..what about living my life the way i want...i just dont see it now.yes its not a burden,but a duty.what about duty to myself...i know it sounds selfish but this is the first time im putting myself in front of the rest..just to see what i have from that angle..

and what do i see....nothing..blank.i cant make choices nor can i make decisions.it has been set and i have to face it..

but i plan to do something when im living off my own wages.first of all im going to register for mercy malaysia(actually im just about to do this) .charity is something ive always wanted to do and im going to make time when i have my own life.im also going to pledge for organ donation.what else...oh i want to take up some kind of extreme sport like bungee jumping or paragliding sort of thingy.. i wanna travel and see the world..sounds like dreams...maybe i could turn it into goals..we'll see..

but the point is i wanna make something meaningful out of my life..and not just live it the way it is.i wanna make a difference to people aound me but most of all i wanna make a difference for myself.i dont want to fall back to the same family routine of study,work,marry,family n grounded for life..i want to do all tht sure,like have my own family but not till ive lived my life the way i want...sigh..im saying too much

lets just see how things goes..following a piece of advice from the Big Guy up there.. one step at a time..just baby steps...

Happy New Year 2005

2005-01-01T16:32:00.000+08:00

so it begins..our fresh journey into a new year. funny how it seems that we take every new year to start over again..to begin a new life with brand new resolutions and fresh hopes. reality is it isnt over nor has it began just becos its a new year...its actually going on in life as it was..just hoping for a new leaf to turn..but it doesnt.i never use to be pessimistic no matter what,im always the one looking at the brighter side of things,always encouraging people to move on.but this time im the one in their shoes and i dont see the bright light.no matter how much i try theres no bright light..

i tried to find the light last night,after a small barbeque with friends whom i regard as my family now.it was full of laughter and closeness.it was a perfect way to usher in the new year,if only things were really good. so we waited for the countdown and shouted "happy new year" into the night.once everything was cleared up and time to turn in,i laid down and said a prayer for all the bad things that happened last year,personally and publicly-so to speak- would never repeat itself and most of all was a prayer to have my family back. i prayed for all the family and friends who have been there for me thru thick and thin and still are here with me today to this very second. i guess im lucky in many ways as im not alone as i was during the hard times..

ive grown to accept the fact that i have to be prepared for the worst as my family may never be the same again..but i have no regrets cos everyday of my life i have always cherished my family and put them first in every possible way. every day i live and breath for them cos i owe it all to them..but the only thing that hurts is that im almost ready to take over their responsibilities but they r not there for me to take care of them...it hurts cos i dont think id ever be able to give them things that i promised them..all the joys and laughter will never be there anymore..and it rips me apart to see it all crumble right before me.

i wish it was the tsunami that took us as it would be much simpler to accept...but it was a human mistake that tore us apart..something that we knew of the concequences yet still went along with it... i dont hate her but i love her more cos i knew she did it for us... i miss her so much..i really miss her... i really need her so badly right now.. so is it really a happy new year when things are still the same.how can it be a new year when things arent new..its still the same leaf..just the same life....same chapter in the same book...

Kathleen..

2004-12-25T19:51:00.000+08:00

christmas.. a time for spending it with loved ones..sigh.. when i was back in labuan i used to be studying in a boarding school. one of the closest people to me there is Kathleen. the last time i met her was when she stayed at my place to get her SPM results.its been almost four years now...

so when kath got a chance to study in Uitm shah alam..the first person she told was me. and i promised her i'd celebrate xmas with her so she wont be homesick. so today i kept to my end of the deal. i reached Kl Central at 11.30 am but kath was late cos she went to church first.she came around 1.30 pm. i saw her first and she couldnt reconise me. the moment we met i gave her a big hug and she broke into tears. i had to pull her aside from the crowded central and calmed her down..it was hilarious.she came with 5 friends and we split after arriving at bukit bintang.

i asked her to lunch at Nando's and she was okay with it. so sitting at our table she couldnt stop mentioning how different i looked and she was very emotional about meeting me.it was so sweet of her. after ordering for a couple's set i took out my gift for her and once again...she broke into tears...she loved the gift and was planning to make her friends jealous with it..hehehe

we spoke of old times and i felt i was truly taken back in time when i was in secondary school.. all the old gosips and so one.we had a fantastic time and she told me she was glad i havent changed on the inside..how could i..i was born that way:) then we went to lowyat n firsting i did was get a paper bag for her gift.i forgot about it earlier..she told me i was being too nice to her..i looked and her and ask..all tht cos of a paper bag..aiyo madlah she..

went to fix her laptop but the guy wasnt there so we went walking around first..i told her of my college stories and she was laughing the whole time. she kept on digging to see if i was hiding anything from her. all i could say was im still the same as i was...kath acknowledged that too when we passed a slimming center.now kath is on the heavy side, and she's got a little low self esteem cos of that.for me it has never mattered.so when she pointed the center at me i told her..u are fat only in ur head.tell urself ur sexy and gorgeous and u'll have that look no matter what the bathroom scale says.she looks at e and says well thats definately the leena i know.. it was really sweet of her...

looking around i bought a couple of gifts for my housemates.i bought them a santa hat each.. then went around and see this and that..oh ya..we even stalked a very good looking guy around..kath was still kath..her love for mat sallehs and prince william has never died... finally it was time to go..not cos she wanted to leave but her friends wanted to go and she had to go along.. so i gave her a big hug and she gave me a card..i wished her well and she had tears in her eyes again..so i hugged her again n told her its alright and that we'll meet soon again..

i went back to central and came back home..her i am..

i shall always cherish u kath cos ur one girl who appreciate little things that matters most.ive known u to have never taken advantage of people and for ur laughter it meant a lot to me...more than u'll ever know..u just never know how much at this point in my life.. hope we'll always be friends no matter where life takes us..take care..ur always my gal..

my pain..

2004-12-23T22:15:00.000+08:00

last night my dad called..the moment i heard his voice all my emotions came rushing in. tears welled up instantly and all i could feel was pain.. i missed him and i knew from the sound of his voice he was trying..trying to hold it together and trying to sound okay for me when i knew he was not. i took somethings off his mind and told him every single detail about classes and assignments and all.he told me to study hard and be good.

i asked him about mom too..i asked if she was okay and she told me its not okay yet.she still has that temper and lately she's been clashing a lot with my bro. i pity that guy..my mom doesnt realize how much of a help my bro has been and she's taking it for granted.she'll feel it when he leaves end of this month..but then again at the way she's so full of herself lately..i doubt that she would even have the slightest emotions about it... maybe there would be emotions but it wouldnt be the tender feelings of mother and child..it would be more of an egomaniac defending herself that she doesnt need anyone to survive.

anyone reading this would say that im such a bitch to say things like that about my mother. well im not talking about my mother..this is a stranger that's taken over her mind ..someone that ive never known..someone i'd never imagine knowing through out my life. i hate writing it in detail about these things cos it makes me bleed..its a knife that keeps plunging deep into my heart and twisting very very slowly. i dont want to write how i really feel deep inside cos im scared of how much anger and hurtful things is in there..

these emotions are the deepest core of me and im afraid to let it out.its all bitterness and ugly things that i know that i'll regret ever mentioning if things ever get back to normal..if..
i pray things get back to normal. i throw myself into my chores and studies.i sleep less nowdays cos im afraid to sleep..afraid to dream and afraid to reflect things right now. im not sure getting in touch with my fears will help me pull thru or backfire and make it all even worse.. im just living in deep fear..

i feel very alone in all this right now. i dont know who to talk to cos talking would make me have to tell my tale all over again..something that im not sure i want to do. im scared im alone and im so many other things on the inside.on the surface i look okay..i smile at people..i talk..i laugh with friends..all on the surface.im learning the art of pretending to perfection.. im tired of crying..it drains me and im tired of thinking and feeling.

i know its not the end..and i know god has bigger plans for us..ive never doubted that cos god loves each and everyone of us and would never want to make us suffer. this is all experience for me ..i know but...it hurts..and its my pain.. i dont want to share my pain,its not fair cos its my pain.. but i want to lessen my pain..but i still cant..

my pain...it'll always come back as my pain...

chocolates and laughter..

2004-12-22T20:06:00.000+08:00

last night i had a very sleepless night.basicly was due to the fact that i came back from classes with a spliting headache n crashed into bed the moment i came home. i slept till about 11 at night n i got up excruciatingly hungry.made a hot milo and ate some bread..my housemates were about to go to bed again and i didnt have anything to do so i tried to go back to sleep..thats when i had my dreams..

i hated the fact that i remembered my dreams..they were all flashbacks of what happened at home..i was so restless..waking up at odd hours then falling into dreams again..i overslept till 9 and i missed my 8 am class.. i felt awful cos i made up my mind to not miss any classes and i was glad that i had a very loose schedule this semester.the class hours were cut to basicly 3 to 4 hours a week instead of the usual 5 hours per class for each week.. i went early for my 11 am class and went to the library to look for crpyto books. can u imagine..there was not even a single book on it!!!! mad lah this college...

class was okay and i concentrated fully for 2 hours..thats quite a change for me.usually i cant stay focused during half the class..dont know why.. when i came home i realized i forgot to look up another book n had to go library again.no afternoon classes,then maz asks me out to town..i said okay n she went bowling with halim and i went gift shopping for kathleen. im meeting her this saturday to celebrate xmas with her.its her first time away from family in sabah and i havent seen her for like 4 years now... i got her a porcelain figurine..it's an angel hoding a star..it was a sweet looking thing and very christmasy..hope she likes it..

maz bought some chocolates and we were talking and laughing through out the whole time we were together.i almost cried when i tried to remember the last time i laughed so much..its been a very very long time..too long in fact..

i havent called home yet.im almost afraid to...but maybe tommorow i'll check out how things are... i just hope its okay.last time i checked mom was still doing her yoyo-jackyll n hyde- thingy. one moment she's okay n the next she's throwing her temper and tantrums..for unknown reasons... she's hiding something,something bigger than we could imagine..i just hope it doesnt come out when its too late to do anything..

i want my family back..i want my chocolates and laughter from my family..id give anything...anything at all to have it all back...

class

2004-12-21T11:50:00.000+08:00

today is first day of class. first one was cryptography. hmm..how to beat hackers stuff kinda thing.probably gonna b the toughest subject.next class is at 2 pm..we'll see how that goes..

this semester i thought i wouldnt be here cos i did really badly last semester.i was afraid that it would have affected my pointer badly.i did flop one paper and my pointer did fall but it wasnt as bad as i expected it. i took it in as a miracle. i prayed for a second chance and i got it..so im going to go all out this semester. it is also my project 1 this semester.next sem is my practical and the following sem is my project 2..then im done. then i can work towards pieceing my family together again if its still there and if its still worth pputting together again...

trust in God...

monday..

2004-12-21T11:29:00.000+08:00

last night i spent the night out at my friends place. they used to be my housemates but now they are renting an apartment close by but out of campus. so i cooked with them and ate udang galah...really huge ones.. then watched movie and just simply relaxed with them..it was fun with all the cats around. it was very nice..i felt really good.my mind was taken of so many things. joe called me.he sounded different and finally admitted that the reason he called..despite him trying his very best to avoid he..or admit it..he was missing me.. i laughed and told him its okay and teased him about not admitting it.. spoke about his mom's operation and all. it was okay when he fianlly hung up, i knew it ddnt mean anything.we're just friends.

i was relaxing and catching up with stories from my friends..so here's what i caught up with. maz broke up with iwan and she is now with rida.that is the biggest shoker i must say. i dont know much about iwan but at the way they were going i was expecting them to b permanent.but his job and family finally took a toll on her n she called it off.i dont know what to say..even tho i hate iwan for the fact that is a bloody racist and maz is so down to eart..i still cant blame a guy who works for an oil rig and is on standdby 24/7 and has to make time( i wonder if there is such thing as extra time) for his family n maz...hmm..im sure they know better.but rida is okay..down to earth..fantastic cook and he makes frens with everyone..

alice went back to sabah for 10 days..zack went home for a day.husni is around.now i know husni cos she was hanna's housemate but we were just on a hello hello basis but that night we got along like a house on fire and it was cool.. ranma fell down from the third floor balcony about a week ago.it was chasing jedai on the balcony and it lost its balance.. that feline survived the fall like nothing happened..tho it blacked out and water was dribbling from its mouth at first.. halim got married..met his wife too. well thats all i can remember so far..i'll write more if anything pops out..

later...

sunday..

2004-12-21T10:54:00.000+08:00

i had a date on sunday.tornado guy has been asking me out for almost 2 months now..so i decided to get it over and done with his name is mike..ive been annoyed by this guy from day 5 i know him..well to cut the long story short ...despite me doing everything possible to get away from him, he's still trying. so time to put an end to it..

imagine me with all the loaded problems up to my head..trying to get ready for a date!! by the time i was done my fren said somethings missing..and i ask her what..no sparkle she says...of course lah no sparkle...i dont want to go for this date,this guy is not my type and its definately wrong timing for anything of this sort...sigh.

so when i met him we went to leisure mall in cheras.we were having mc donalds and the whole time he was complaining how unhealthy the food was( he's a health freak). he couldnt stop talking and i was spacing out most of the time and i guess it was quite annoying. so the only way i could think of to shut him up was to go for a movie. so i picked Ocean 12..something tht was light when he was suggesting Phantom of Opera. he asked me if its okay we took couple seats.i flatly said no..he laughed n i smiled..

in the movie he held my hand.i wasnt comfy with it cos i had nothing to do with this guy so i ddnt grip back or anything but when he started caressing my hand i couldnt take it anymore so i pulled away. after the movie he tries to hold my hand again and i excused myself to the ladies. he got hungry so we went for some food.i had a drink n thts when i told him that i can only be his friend n nothing more.i guess he took it okay and then i told him im not a touchy feely kinda perso so hands off...he listened but he was being difficult ..he kept on wanting to touch me n i got really annoyed.so i grew very very very quiet..

finally he sends me home and when he was around my campus area he started looking for a lonely spot..so i suggested one.so we sat facing a block of apartments. he tried to hold me n kiss me but i told him that im just a friend so i dont want to do this.after many attempts he gave up.little did he realised that the spot i picked was actually just directly below my friends's apartment...4 guys sharing an apartment.one more attempt i'd have shouted out to the guys..

so finally he drops me off and i thank him for everything.he tells me thanks for still being nice to him even tho i ddnt want him.he was expecting me to be difficult but i was actually nice.

so now that is over and that with..at least one problem is settled..

where do i even start

2004-12-21T10:26:00.000+08:00

okay..no..its not okay. im back after a month plus of hell. my deepest fear finally came true. anyone who knows me enough would know that my biggest fear would be 'losing'. everything that i hold strong in this world..the very essence that keeps me alive..the only reason i want to be around and keeping my feet planted to the ground has disappeared..i didint go off in a blink of an eye instead it went off slowly...day by day...painfully slow as i watch all my hopes and dreams come crashing to the ground. the last thing that i could imagine happening finally happened..

i've lost my family..my family has broken up. my mom is a total stranger and dad is preparing to leave.. how much more damage can be done one might ask..u just never know.it gets worse and worse by the day.my dad puts it this way..u know someone has committed murder and learning that there is more than one can be devastating and shoking..but when it keeps coming, ur definately immune to it..

this past month ive learnt that my mom tried suicide in front of my father.the thought of it itself ripped me apart.i couldnt even stand the moment i heard it..i just fell crumbling to the ground with my dad trying to pick me up again. but no words can describe how it affects you when you actually had to save ur mom from a second suicide attempt. imagine two kids that were brought up in such loving family that new doubled laughter and divided pain..standing outside a locked door..crying n begging for her to come out...then when the door opens they find their mother crouching behind the door..shaking like a scared child..screaming that we dont need her and that she doesnt want to live anymore.. do u even want to picture it in ur head..

my uncle and aunt..dad and whoever who helped us out told us that we are grown up and that we were more stronger than imaginable.the truth is..we're still so young..still babies to our family.how strong can one be..after all this..strength has become pretense..its not real.only something that we're forced to believe in..

i tried the selfish way out once that day but i bailed out.i thought of my father but the blade was still in my had through out that night. it hurt to much inside that at times i just cant even breath.sometimes i wonder y do i bother to even try to breath again when i know im dead inside. when it was time to come back here,through out the whole journey i couldnt stop crying.i found comfort in my circle of friends but i know that i cant burden them with my sadness..its just not fair to them. im on my own now and i know that i have to make it on my own too..

but the good part among all of this,i got my bro back.he's been looking out for me more than ever in mylife..but most importantly i found God. i knew that i should be worshipping thru good n bad..not just when shit hits the fan..but sometimes its things like this that gives us an eye openner and ive been given a second chance to reflect my faith..and i wont waste it..

i dont even know how to end this trail of thoughts...maybe theres no ending..maybe its just a begining..i'll just have to take it as it comes..

my sayonara

2004-11-02T08:55:00.000+08:00

tommorow i'll be having my last paper.im still deciding wether to go home on the 5th or earlier than that...well me being me always do things like this spontaneously..so we'll see what i do.exams have been tough and awful..im almost afraid of the outcome.but come what may..i'll have to face it hook or crook.

going home means going back to a cave.i dont have frens in this new town.its almost ridicolus moving back to johor.im really beginning to get annoyed of this decision cos it hasnt brought any good.on the contrary things have been getting worse. im gonna miss my frens badly this one month plus.id miss going out..miss being a teenager.i was robbed of a childhood..always appearing elite than the rest..matured than the rest.i was practically granma by 13.but college life is giving me back something that i never had.im back to my age now..falling and scraping my knees thru all the bumps and roads that im going thru. and to be honest i love being able to fall and pick myself up again..rather than someone saving me even before i could trip to fall.. the sense of freedom to shape my own life sure does bring me to maturity just as my age comes..not sooner than that..neither later..

if i met any childhood frens they wouldnt reconize me now.im totally different..more spontaneous..mo laid back and more daring to take risks than ever before.no more the girl next door naviety ..tho there is still some left.. but it feels good being able to lead my life.i might soundlike a typical teenager coming of age..true enough i am that and im proud to be someone my age now.but touch wood i havent gone mad enough to go thru wrong roads.blessed with fantastic upbringing i've learned to trust my instincts when i do things and ive also got my head screwed on tightly...

this might be my final post for the time being.so my temp goodbye goes out to my housemate aini who has finished her dip.kudos to u gal.dont forget us here.to maz & zack..gonna miss u gals,but dont worry we'll crash up at ur place all the time...beware..muahahhaa. to my roomate nor,take care..send my love to ur family and maybe i might make a trip to jb during raya okai?

and of course my dear dear hanna..its going to b a lonely month without you.thanks for being there gal.it means more than i could ever say.i wish i was still in sabah to b able to visit u whenever i want to..we'll i lost out on that.send my love to ur family and my family is urs too..we'll go back again okay? my mom loves u better than adek :P..hahahha

finally to u my dear friend.thru out almost two months knowing u,we've become closer than i could possibly imagine.thank you for being there thru good and bad and hopefully i could return the gesture someday.hang in strong and always remember you are worth more than all that ur going thru and within ur family and friends lies an undeniable strength..strength that u share with us as u pull thru this. theres a light at the end of this cave..its there..it might be dim right now..but someday u'll walk thru that light and u'll see endless love that u deserve thru out this whole time.thank you for letting me being able to confide my deepest darkest secrets and still accepting me for who i am.words can never match how i value it..all the best in ur studies raj.i'll keep in touch whenever i can...

love always,
with a prayer in my heart,
leena

EXM

2004-10-23T03:53:00.000+08:00

i was watching Extreme Makeover on tv the other day. it feature two women. first lady is a black woman with a nose way to big and flat.the moment i saw it i thought i was like a jambu glued to her nose and lips way too thick, Angelina Jolie would have cringed in horror. second lady was white,90 percent deaf, thick glasses and droppy eyes,..there was something very old about her..

so doc starts with the first lady.toughest case so far cos according to him her nose doesnt have a bridge(the nose bone i guess) and implants for plastic bone was needed.excuse the lay man language..i aint no doctor. then he works on her lips to shrink it.EXM is kind enough to throw in all tht she wants to change on da house.so she gets a brow job,new hairdo(they actually sew the wig to her real hair) , dental work,boob job(b cup to c cup), and a tummy tuck.oh ya she also gets facial treatment using laser i think. end reults: she looked like a diva to the envy of her other jambu nosed sistazz..hot!!

second lady got to b the first person to b fitted with state of the art hearing aid produced in USA. she can hear many different sounds around her unlike other hearing aids which she was using previously,a laser eye job..gone were the thick glasses.and EXM wouldnt b EXM unless they threw in free stuff.so lady gets new hairdo,brow job,eye job,face lift,dental work, boob job,tummy tuck and a trip to an ochestra perfomance specially for her alone. end results: lady looks like Celine Dion in a glance...

got me thinking..wht would i wanna change? i wanted new hair,then i said no need lah..i could always go bald and make a statement bout it.then eye laser treatment..then no need lah these contacts hasnt been a nuisance..then scar removal..then nah..scars are ur body's natural storytellers..end results: lady doesnt want to change a thing.period.

whts ur end results?

An Ode to My Father..

2004-10-23T02:45:00.000+08:00

i was cleaning up my papers from my file box today.and as usual i come across things that i feel i never want to see again and i found a letter. during father's day this year i ddnt get my dad anything cos i ddnt have money and with things going all wrong at home i ddnt even have a chance to go out and get anything for him. when i was a kid i used to make cards for him on every important occasion..it was fun..silly and touching sometimes. on father's day this year i wrote him this letter but i didnt give it to him cos i was too emotional about it...it said..

dear daddy,

when it comes to Father's Day, some sons and daughters try to win a car for their dad.some try to win trips and holidays and even furniture to please their dads. But for me, I'm not the kind to win you gifts from mags or papers. All i can offer you today are words from the bottom of my heart..

This year i've turned 21 and for the past 21 years you have been my father and im proud to say that i've grown into my father's daughter. My maturity nurtured by your wisdom, my confidence built by your guidance. My gentle heart made up from a father's love to her only daughter.

My goal in life is to give you back what you have sacrificed for me but even a thousand lifetimes could never make up for it..

Even though people say everyday should be Father's Day but for me i take the rest of the 364 days to be there for you and just one day to say I love you..for i know theses 3 words would reflect the unspoken love i have that grows each day for u daddy..

daddy i love you..happy father's day

and this month i missed his birthday too cos i was in college. i was walking around with my frens at the mall when i came across this card..it goes something like this..

For You Dad...

A Daughter's Thoughts

As i think about all of the things a daughter experiences in growing up, i cannot help but feel grateful for the love and caring you have given me over the years..

Raising a child must be one of the hardest jobs a man can have. But you took on that job and gave me the strenght and confidence to be the woman i am today. i believe that every relationship i have today i based on the one you and i share..

you have given me unconditional love that has made me feel invincible enough to fly,to dream,to catch the stars and bring them back to you.

flying high, like an acrobat. i knew you were always there to watch,encourage,smile, and be my net just incase i needed one. what more could i want in a dad?

thank you for being my hero,my friend,and most of all my confidante. no one can fill my life like you can, and i am proud to know that we share a golden bond that can never be broken. words could never match all of the feelings you can give me with one glance.

thank you dad,for giving me a part of you and a life full of love..

with love..
from your daughter.

i guess when i go home im not going to miss the chance to let him know..i really love you and miss you daddy..im coming home soon.i hope things will be alright..

Refresh

2004-10-12T21:11:00.000+08:00

we all know how the refresh button works dont we? everytime u click on something n it doesnt show up completely u hit refresh..and it opens up again and its more complete than it was.. i tried hitting my refresh button today but it didnt work.last night i messed up. i told a friend tht im getting into trouble again and i felt it was my fault.him trying to convince me otherwise ddnt work and instead i opened up his wounds.. now tell me what kind of friend is that? how could i b so selfish of my own troubles,pouring it all out without being considerate.i told myself i set up this blog to pour it all out here instead of troubling others.did i do that??? no..i just had to take it out on someone else. friends are meant to protect,friends are meant to heal..friends are meant to not hurt each other..im really sorry i did that to you..i truly am.

i couldnt sleep last night..thinking about what ive done..what im doing and how everything is all messed up. i need to gather myself again and i need to pull my socks up. i need to focus,finals is on the 25th and im barely prepared. oh ya,talk about screw up.two days before the demo for our database project,vj leaves me offlines saying he has no hope for this,asks me to skip group and find my way. i was furious cos he was putting the both of us into shit so deep. i told him im not letting it go.guess i have to wait for him to come online and brainwash him.im not giving up,i usually work to get what i want and this aint no different.i dont care if i dont sleep or dont eat im going to get tht project done,even if i have to move heaven and eartth to get there.

starting from tonight i need to refresh.im going to go back to the old me.the good girl that i was. i need to get back to my prioritys and i have time to do it.i know it may seem a tad too late but late is better than never.im going to restart and do what it takes.distraction all aside.im going to have to put plenty of things aside.

most of all i have to put u, joe, aside. id be lying to myself if i said i ddnt feel anything tht night.its still spinning in my head over and over again.i still can remember ever detail so accurately revised in my head. i can even remember ur scent...thts how close you are to me right now. but u dont belong to me and i cant change that.actually i can but i wont. thats for u to decide.u want me come n get me.if ur playing than it'll gradually stop.i know it will..it always will.

u came back into mylife today Excalibur. ur sms finally got thru today...for all the days today when im so messed up...when im at the lowest point,u show up and i hate u for it.i dont want u to haunt me the way u used to.im trying to get over it for the best for the both of us.i cant tell u my reasons cos i know u may have feel betrayed.but wht i did was far than to betray you.someday u'll understand tht i just saved us from so much heartbreak tht no human being ever deserves.im not sorry i have to stay away from you.

mom and dad called.they told me to do well in my exams and tht they miss me and love me very much.i love you too guys.i want to get back to the old me.the more focused and clear headed me. the one tht doesnt fear minor glitches and the one who knows herself enough to know she's worth more than all that. sweet Lord help me get thru this.help me stay focused ..help me refresh.

to my housemates..im sorry i havent been a good housemate.im so cooped up in my world i need to straighten things out before i can be with u guys.please dont hate me for this. please give me time to get back to my routine.please dont be hurt for this.im really sorry..i just need to sort this mess first.

i need all the strength in the world to get me thru this.please be there and please have faith in me to pull thru all this..show me a sign that im doing this right...

lost child...

One Wild Night...(for me tht is..)

2004-10-11T03:28:00.000+08:00

i should be hung upside down by my toenails if any of my family found this out.. i did something crazy on saturday... it was 4 pm and suddenly out of the blue my roomate nor asks me if i want to go to jb. the first thing tht came to mind was joe.but as far as i know joe was supposed to b in malacca.just to tease him i sent him an sms saying i might be going to jb.he calls immediately n tells me tht he ddnt go to melaka n he is in jb right now.he wanted me to come over.i told him i would call when im really sure. then nor says she cancels.she's not going.but unfortunately for me,the seed of thought has been planted n my heart was yearning to go to him. finally after much debating with myself,i jumped on the chance at 4.45 pm.it was raining n i got a friend to send me to the bus stop outside the college.the bus came late..plus there was a jam..and it was raining.by the time i got to seremban it was already 7pm.i went hunting for tickets and there was only the one bus at 8pm left.i took it and i knew there was no turning back now. i sms joe n told him im coming.he was sleeping n read it around 9 when he got up. he sms back 'u crazy'.. haha maybe i was but when i told him it was for real, he called up to make sure i wasnt kidding..

i reached jb around 12 midnight n joe told me to get off at a certain area called tun aminah.i was on the phone with him n he said he sees my bus.well b4 meeting joe we've only traded pics n phone calls for almost half the year.planning to meet but scheduel clashes.. finally it was our chance.. joe asked me b4 my height n weight to picture me in his head.so here i am 5ft 7 n 70 kg..and to him 70 means huge.so here i am standing in front of him with a big smile n he stares at me..looking at me as if im alien..n the first thing he says 'ur tall!! and not even fat...perfect!' we both break into laughter.he puts his hand on my shoulder and leads me to his bike.its a modenas jaguh..i laughed again n told him im not good with bikes.he rode really slow first n i was wondering y..then he turns around n tells me he has to speed up cos its quite a distance he's taking me..it was hilarious tht he was going slow cos of me..i told him to take any speed he wanted to and he did...damn fun la..

we stopped at danga bay for supper..fantastcic setting.absoultely romantic except tht it was bustling with people on a saturday night.the meal was okay but couldnt finish it cos i had a splitting headache from travelling.joe bought me panadol and some oinment.then we went crusing again..he took me around the whole of jb town.. stopped at the atms to withdraw cash but most of it were out of service.then stopped at hsbc kiosk..poor joe,his card got stuck cos the machine shut down.the card ddnt come out.thank goodness he was cool about it despite the fact tht it was his only atm card..

stopped at the currency excange n he got his singapore bills changed.so with 77 ringgit n a credit card we we're alright..then more cruising.stopped at projet n he bought me a toothbrush n toothpaste travel kit..water n some sweets.i felt like a kid..oh ya he said i looked really pretty n very much like a kid with my puffy cheeks n all.he said i remind him of his 2 year old nephew...awww...muahahaha..

around 3 am we went to check into a hotel.i was kinda worried of spending the night but it was a risk i took n come what may.we got showered..seperately of course..then laid down on the bed to watch tv.laughing away..talking away..teasing..fighting n all...finally fell asleep at 5 am.woke up at 8am and after more talking n lazing around,finally got showered n he took me to the bus station.bought me tickets for the 11am bus,it was only 10.40..so had breakfast.then he sent me off...i shall never forget tht look in his eyes..never has anyone looked at me tht intensely and deeply b4..it touched me to the very core...

if only things we're different..if only he wasnt taken..if only he ddnt have to leave...then i would have hoped for something.im not saying this based on the few hours with him.its been the half of year just being apart n somehow last night assured tht the attraction was mutual n for real...he said so many things tht took my breath away..unconsiously..he ddnt realize how i loved the way he treated me..

im not going to say anything cos i know how i always end up in tough love end up screwing it up cos i have no faith in tough love anymore..its hard...just so hard when u want something in front of u n yet u cant have it..i'll always remember tht caring kiss..tht gentle touch..i shall never forget those stares..those secret smiles...id never forget my one wild night...

awwwwww

2004-10-08T03:37:00.000+08:00

man..just when i've got it all covered something has to screw up. the test i took today i was so damn prepared for it.i was shaking with excitement when i saw the questions cos i knew i could answer all without problems.next thing u know i ran out of time...man...dammit!!!!! oh well,at least i have a deep satisfication knowing tht i truly understand tht subject.just need to practice keeping it in time b4 the finals..

today 4 of my housemates went home.so im left with my roomate for the weekend.might want to cook something.she doesnt mind eating so it'll b fun. im thinking of sardine curry..been a while since i've ate tht. oh ya,im going crazy on chocolates lately.i love them but ive never eaten this much for a long time.been eating it like almost everyday and chocolate milk... im going to definately put on kilos by the time i get home...

mom is sick,dad is sick,joe is sick,raj is sick,afro guy is sick... u people get well soon lah okay? no fun when everyone is sick.. oh ya,im not going to see joe.he has to work overtime this time. so i guess the only chance we have would be next year..sigh..never mind..good things shall wait..

family matters..mom called yesterday.i was studying when she asked me wht i was doing.then i told her how busy i have been and let out a deep sigh.next thing u know she asks me y? sad u got no bf ah? i had to burst into laughter and i asked her where did that come from. she told me she hasnt asled me anything about my guy stories n she says she's happy im still single.she think me being single means me being good gal..hehehe..yeah right. then i told her tht times have changed and tht bf's can even be ur mentor or pillar of strength and can teach u many things.mom goes into porno mode and says..teach what huh?hehhe..mom...naughty naughty.

i told mom not to worry cos ive got my head screwed on tightly.and if i do get a bf i wont stray from my priorities.women nowdays are not as weak as they use to be once.its a girl power thingy ...wink wink. deepavali is just a month away n mom tells me she wanted to order something out of a clothes cataloge for me..but she's worried tht i wont like it. guess mom has lost her touch of her daughters likings..sigh..nevermind.i'll come home n choose mom. other than tht mom seems fine except for flu..dad is dad.oh ya it was his bday on the 5th the other day.called him n wished him.told him i really loved him.maybe i'll make a card n post it to him..or just give it when i get home.

i wonder how bro is doing. i really dont know about my own bro.wish i could change tht but im almost giving up hope.just let time decide on that.wel..enough of family matters lah..its getting my head dizzy....

lost in time....

hmmm....

2004-10-06T17:55:00.000+08:00

lets see...got up really late..cos i had a really late night..tho it was damn worth it.i fell into the deepest sleep. u know how those sleeps are.u have no dreams and u dont even realize wht time is it n when u get up u feel soooo fresh. tho it was late i still had a good day.went to class..sat with the guys.at least they are fun instead of the bithces of eastwick sitting in front. i just dont get it how some students love to ass up to the lects.its sickening putting on a mask n yet during quizzes and tests they end up sneaking notes in n yet the lect is too blind to see it...y? cos they r ass-up-make-lects-feel-good-n-u-get-good-marks students... I.D.I.O.T.S

then went out with my hsemate to wash her car.had a nice time laughing n having ice blendeds..yummy.well im home now.oh ya,i ddnt know wht got into me ,i told my numerical methods lect i want to take the test tommorow instead of friday evening. sudden splurge of determination i suppose..but im really hyped for it.hope it goes good.

then again maybe its not just plain determination.maybe i want to keep myself free for friday evening till sat. joe,u have to let me know if its going to be worth the wait ok...hope u'll call me n let me know earlier. and raj..thx for the great night.hope we can catch up again over the weekend..

oh..last night i found out my roomate has a boyfriend.so that makes it official that im the only single girl in the house.am i jealous? to b honest i would like to have a boyfriend too,but after wht i've been thru i dont think im ready to give my heart out.its not just for say. i mean i know a few guys,dated them but i never wanted to take it futher.sure they look out for me a lot but still..somethings missing..but hey..maybe one might show up someday and it will be worth the wait.

to mr-whoever-u-are,
im one girl who has fierce devotion in a relationship.i know how much id be able to love you.dont worry about trusting me.. lets just share good times..

damn tht sounded so pathetic....muahahahhaha..okay okay..enough nonsense

later bloggie..muah!

I'm Back...Wished I Never Left in The First Place..

2004-10-03T21:22:00.000+08:00

well...obvious aint it..i had a terrible weekend. i knew something wasnt going to be right the moment i woke up friday morning..i was debating with myself wether i should go home or not.. then my mom called,i hung up.then my dad called,i hung up. then my bro called,i hung up also. i wasnt in the mood. then all of them called over n over again till i finally couldnt take it. i got a shower,dressed n then left campus to the bus terminal.when i got out the tickets to Kluang were sold out,i took the bus to Ayer Hitam which is the nearest town to Kluang. well the bus was supposed to leave at 3.45pm..it left at 4.15!!..man,idiot driver went to eat...

the ride was uneventful tho the driver forgot to stop for r&r..thank goodness i got v.i.p seats n the ride was only about 3 hrs..so i ddnt get my long legs cramped as usual..my dad told me to call him when im almost there...i did but there wasnt any point.he picked me up half an hour after i arrived...sigh..

thru out the drive back home my dad updated me on what has been happening.from the workers probs at the restaurant..to money issues...renovation of the new house...mom...and so on and so forth.litening to it all tugged my heart strings..but i guess the moment came when tears of frustration welled up in my dad's eyes..he had no outlet..he ddnt want to trouble mom. and me coming home managed to break the dam that he was holding strong for so long.. i couldnt look at him cos i ddnt want to see the pain in his eyes...i just rubbed his shoulders to let him know tht i there..

we arrived at the restaurant n i tiptoed to the kitchen. i stood by the door n watched my mom.she's lost so much of weight and she looked she was carrying the world's burdens on her shoulder.she kinda sensed tht someone was watching her.she turned around..gave her a big silly grin and gave her a tight hug..i knew she was emotional..i sensed she needed me so bad n true enough she did. when we went home she poured it out on me...there was so much cooped up in her.. i ddnt want to let her cry so i told her the crazy thing my friends n i have been up to. i kept talking about everything right up to the cat also.. god bless malaysian idol..my mom n i had fun watching it on tv..

then saturday came.i cleaned the house for her..amused to see the fridge as the same as i last came home.thts when it hit me tht mom n dad has no time to themselves..wht has our family gotten into... well i went to the restaurant around one...helped her out there.then she left for home.around 4 my bro calls.he's coming home also..so i said fine n my dad went to pick him up. the day was ruined again by those dumb workers.my got so angry and she cried again...dad was pissed off by those chicken brains. give him a week n i think tht frown is going to b permanent on his face...sigh again. went home..took a long hot shower n when i got out saw my mom asleep.i laid down close to her and slept beside her... thts my last night there.going home the next morning.

morning came.mom dad n bro left to the restaurant early cos they had 3 catering orders that day.they told me they would come n get me at 9 am. when they did we went to the restaurant n everything was busy.mom ddint even look at me,she ddnt even offer me breakfast.she just shove a box of catering stuffs in my hand an told me to go lay out the table later on. then i asked my mom if she could pack me some food to take along with me.and she snaps at me saying tht i should have came in the morning(they were the ones who told me no need to) and tht she doesnt have time. i knew it wouldnt have even taken a few minutes...i was so dumbfounded n i turned very quiet. when we left to send the food mom gave me some money.i hugged her n kissed her and she ddnt even look at me.. i ddnt know wht to say so i got into the car. after sending the food dad sent me to the train station,there were no bus tickets left..so i had to take the train.my dad asked me y was quiet.. ddnt say anything.so he let me be. then just as i was about to board the train mom called..apologising.i was too hurt to even say anything muc. i told her it was okay..

3 hours later im in seremban..mom calls again.same thing again.waited for my friend,had lunch then mom called again.apologies again.i got home around 5 pm..talked to my friends..kissed the cat a thousand times n went to take a nap.8 pm..mom calls again. i told her its okay.. i left with a heavy heart.she wanted me to come home so bad and yet this is what i got.i know i should be understanding but its been way too much..way way too much.it wasnt just this weekend.its been like this since my previous semester break.imagine going thru all frustrations,tempers and outbursts every single day for the 2 months.. everyone has their limits..

i dont know what to say..outside im all laughs but inside i feel so hurt.i dont want to cry cos i dont want to feel sorry for myself.it just hurts...simply hurts when ur trying all ur best and sacrifice little pleasures( my trip to cameron highlands)..and next thing u know this i swhat u get in return. im really bitter inside.just hope it goes away soon..my finals are coming up,i need to concentrate..help me god..give me strength..i need to go on...

a fathers daughter,a mothers child...
leena.

Prayers Answered

2004-09-29T22:00:00.000+08:00

once upon a time..a naive 18 year old girl fell in love with a man tht wasnt free to be hers.he loved her and she loved him with the purest innocence of first love. distance was never a question..only a minor barrier..their love story was almost fairy tale..being torn apart but somehow always finding each other again..

four years has passed and time has taken a toll..her warrior Excalibur came back to her..vowing to never leave again and vowing to never give up on what they ever shared. but the little girl has grown up..she's 21 and life has taught her to think. she made up her mind to seek some answers....she turned to God...this is her prayer..

God,
u know how i never want to ever hurt a human being,cos ive been there and i know how much it hurts. but ur child is lost right now and she needs ur help. help me find my answers. if he is for me..please make me strong and have faith in us tht someday we will be together..i've been thru ur tests for the past 4 years and right now i need to know. if on the other hand,we r not meant to be..please tear him away from me as gently as u can as i dont want to feel the pain the second time over and neither do i want him to hurt for me too.please help me God..i need some answers..

8 days has past and now the little girl knows..she has found her answer. Excalibur isnt her warrior. she disappeared for a while..not replying his emails.he's looking for her..going insane for a word from her..but it doesnt move her.his calls miraculasly doesnt get thru...answers found.he's been taken away as gently as she could ever wanted...

sweetie..i never meant to hurt you.u have been my guardian angel and i know u will always be. i'll always cherish our times together and every single moment u have been with me. i shall always remember the way u thought me to love.i know i shall never again feel as much love from anyone..but i'll never regret it cos i'll always hold on to it as something i shared with u and only u... i wish i could tell u all this but i dont have the heart or energy to go thru it all over again. sweetheart i know u know me and im sure u'll understand what im doing. Nina is with u..just be with her as she has been there for u too..take care and i know u 'll be alright.its not tht i ddnt have faith in us..its just tht ive lost my will power to see it all burn into ashes again.we r miles apart n have diff lives to lead.. take care my baby...i'll always love u in my own special way forever..

love,
lyn...

tests tests tests!!!

2004-09-28T00:37:00.000+08:00

i detest tests... i had two today..only went for one..dont ask y i skipped..i hate my migraine..i wish there was a permanent cure to it..

well my test was on numerical methods.its actually quite easy if u dont miss classes but unfortunately i do. thank goodness after Mr. Cheow came back from UTM..he brought back good news along. The examiner gave him tips for our final.5 questions from 5 chapters..not bad eh? and to top it off the chapters are 5,6,7,8 n 9..we r only up to chapter 6 now..so i still have a chance to catch up n revise.

more good news.i dont have class tomorrow cos the lects r going to UTM Semarak this time. muahahah..dont need to get up early...hehehe

im supposed to go to Cameron Highlands this weekend but i've changed my mind at the very last minute.Something isnt right with my mom..she's missing me too much.She has never voiced out to my bro n i tht she wants us home or anything like tht..but last night she did. and i was so surprised and i felt really bad for not going home more often. i guess im so used to being away from family and going back 6 months once when i was in Labuan.. But mom..dont worry.Im coming home this weekend.Cameron can wait..maybe we all can go together someday..when everything is okay once again..

i hope when i go home this time mom wont cry.it hurts so much to see her cry.i know she's so frustrated with our financial issues,her family and also the restaurant n its workers. like dad says..she has every right to be angry.but i wish i could make her see that its hurting dad,bro n me too..hang in there mom..ur the strongest person i ever know...ur my pillar of strength. i promise u tht tht pillar shall never crumble as long as im alive and God willing beyond that too..

dont worry mom things will b okay.just give me sometime till i finish my studies and till i get a job and i promise u money shall never ever be an issue in the family ever again. thts my word to u.i know my responsibilities mom and i shall never let u down.Dad,i dont even have to mention this to u cos i know u know.after all..i am my father's daughter..

family is everything,cherish them n love them with all ur heart. there maybe times when things go down hill,but always remember the times that put u high up on tht hill..take time n reflect.. just like i do...and u will feel the love from within u..a deep peace within u.. the love of a lifetime from people who care most for u..ur very own brady bunch back home..

love you guys..

Just For Starters

2004-09-27T18:41:00.000+08:00

its a monday morning right now...well..too early morning actually. i should be sound asleep under soft blankets and pillows.the main reason im awake-ive got two tests today.one at 9 am n the next one at 8.30 pm. been trying to study but im not putting my mind to it..

people who know me knows tht im a good listener.not flattering myself but ppl tend to want to tell their life story everytime they meet me...dunno..maybe i make them feel comfortable enough. but ironicly ive never found a person with whom i can share my deepest darkest thoughts. i know someone who told me that he found peace in writing in this blogger thingy as he can pour out this heart n soul...n i found myself telling tht person tht its like talking to someone who'll just listen knowing tht they wont judge u..

well the point is it rang a bell in me n thts y ive decided to start this. i need an outlet for my thoughts n i wouldnt want to burden others..they have their own lives to lead.i guess this is a part of my day tht i can reflect my whole day n thoughts without boundry..and to be honest its working already..i feel lighter..

well..i think i'll leave it just here for today.i know now theres something to look forward to when i get home after a long day tommorow..all i have to do is write..and how ironic once again as im doing something i love too but havent done in a while...writing...

love ya bloggie...