..gulp....

im pretty sure of one thing right now.im seriously in need of help and the only person who can help me right now..is ME!! thats right.. i think i've been thru this before..where i start ranting how much i need to pick up on mylife again... well my life right now is a total mess...mainly my studies

if my dad knows this he'll kill me(actually there would b a few more waiting in line to have a piece of me..) but i havent been going to classes..i know i know..but things have been so tough for me.im not trying to make excuses but i dont even wanna get up in the morning..i dont feel like seeing my classmates or lects..i just wanna stay with my friends..go out or stuff like that. my know my friends havent mentioned anything cos they have seen first hand whts going on when my dad came to stay the other day...but i know they want me to go to class at least...

i wanted to start again today..but i couldnt sleep last night..and when i finally dozed off i was in a very very bad dream.wheni woke up i ddnt even wanna open my eyes till noon.i dont know.i'll try again tommorow...i dont knowla...

i must try...i need help..but i have to help myself first.i lied when i told the counsellor im alright...bullshit..im not alright.i'm not wonderwoman..i cant be everyone's hero...even superheros get weak and lonely somtimes...but me..im only human.theres only so much i can take.it takes a toll on me too.but when im weak i cant seem to stand up again despite all the encouragement and words of love...

how do i get out of it.please dont tell me shower and take a walk or stuff like that.dont distract me cos im not a kid u can stop crying by giving her a lollipop..but most of all please dont tell me im stronger than this cos i know...i know how much more there is left and im almost drained.

i wish someone would hug me right now..but even if anyone tried..id turn away cos it'd be too overwhelming..im so sad..so deeply cut..but i must go on...i must go on..i owe it to god who put me here..who wanted me to live mylife.how can i not go on...

i must go to class tommorow(ive explained my absence to my lects before this)...i must try.but i just hope i dont get phone calls that basicly screws up my emotions again.im an emotional person..i feel a lot..but that would be last thing i need right now...

please help me...please help me help myself...

i went swimming..

things were really high on emotions yesterday and when my friends asked me out for swimming i just had to go.i couldnt remember the last time i went swimming.heck..i even forgot how to swim. so we went around 4 and the moment i got in the pool i ddnt want to leave..i had fun..its been quite a while i felt tht relaxed..

i rememered how to swim again...hehehe..its still rusty but i can still get across the pool without sinking in...hehehe.isplashed about with my closest friends..screeching with laughter and at times just lazing about talking about things going on in our campus life. there was one time i just laid back and floated.i felt like a corpse for goodness sake,it if was possible to feel tht. but the thing was when i was floating..my head half in the water..i couldnt hear anything but my own breathing..it was the most peaceful thing i felt..i closed my eyes and just drifted for a while...

i felt peaceful...but at the same time i felt alone.it wasnt scary..just plain peacefulness...i wish i had died that day..it would have been the perfect way to go..the perfect moment..when my thoughts were all peacful for just that moment...sounds depressing..but it was how i felt..

me wanna go swimming again....hmmm....

me vewy vewy lonely...

this one week had been absolutely crazy.lets start with some good news first. my supervisor came down from UTM. my degree project title got approved without and problems.now i can get along with the paper work for it. hear comes the bad news.stop reading here if ur sick and tired of my probs..it just gets worse from here on...

i called my dad last week and asked him how things were going.things were really bad and some how some way i managed to get my dad to come and spend a few days with me. throughout the time my dad poured out everything inside to me.he was pretty much a dead man,not wanting to live anymore.ive never seen my dad cry that way and it hurts most cos he was crying in my arms.wht daughter can accept that role?? but thank god i was strong enought to not cry with him.when i went home to kluang to see how things were, i saw with my own eyes how mom was treating dad.the lack of respect..no love..nothing there.my dad had no life there anymore..
i made the biggest choice in my life.. i convinced dad to leave home.

i spoke to him and told him to get out,to get a job and get his life back.he agreed and his friends are backing me up.on a sadder part,my bro decided to put his studies on hold and look for a job.as im writing this they both are at an interview in kl..all the best to u guys..

dad said tht ive given him a new lease of life.when we met up with my bro his figthing spirit came back.he wasnt as weak as before and now he's living on for his children. as for mom,she's playing her emotional games.she said she wanted dad to get out to get his life,but then she swore she'll never call him again.so she calls me up and says things like take care of ur dad..im really sorry..i love u all very much..all the best in ur studies...it was almost last words..and she kept on doing it over and over again.when i ask her very gently whats wrong and whts going on..tht she can talk to me...she goes beserk..screaming her head off...

when does it ever end..

Desiderata

Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,

and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,

be on good terms with all persons.

Speak your truth quietly and clearly;

and listen to others,

even to the dull and the ignorant;

they too have their story.

Avoid loud and aggressive persons;

they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,

you may become vain or bitter,

for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.

Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.

Keep interested in your own career, however humble;

it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,

for the world is full of trickery.

But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;

many persons strive for high ideals,

and everywhere life is full of heroism.

Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.

Neither be cynical about love,

for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,

it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,

gracefully surrendering the things of youth.

Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.

But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.

Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,

be gentle with yourself.

You are a child of the universe

no less than the trees and the stars;

you have a right to be here.

And whether or not it is clear to you,

no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,

whatever you conceive Him to be.

And whatever your labors and aspirations,

in the noisy confusion of life,

keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,

it is still a beautiful world.

Be cheerful.

Strive to be happy.

-- Max Ehrmann--

last night while i was helping my dad pack his stuff to leave,we came across this poem,we sat back together and i read it out loud..we savoured each word..cutting us deep as every bit reflected us so much..its okay dad..im here for you

we'll start off together from a dead end into a new beginning... i promise you,i'll bring back the man i once knew in you..the one she took away..i love you dad..

rush rush

this is not a good day.actually theres nothing wrong with it..the sun is shining,im surrounded with friends and a really bored cat.theres laughter in the house but still..something's wrong but i cant quite put my finger on it..

i have this heavy wave of emotion rushing thru me over and over again.i cant help feeling really down,really lonely and really sad..i wish i knew wht it is..listening to Ryan Cabrera isn't helping either..its actually making it worse. it's been a week i havent called home. when mom calls or dad calls i dont feel like talking.i know i shouldnt be doing that but still.. and its been almost 3 months im here, and i dont have the urge to go home..

people from the past have been walking back into my life.it shouldnt have mattered but it does.its disturbing emotionally..stirring up feelings that i hate to ponder upon but its just there.it started off during the time i wrote last in my blog. the previous night,an old friend messaged me.well lets start pouring it out now..

Yuvan is a guy in college that ive known since i came in here.he's a dip student and since the first semester he's been dissing me cos i dont mix much with indian students.the thing is if only they broaden their mind,they would have known that i am still indian despite the language limitation.they speak english,i speak english..so whats the problem!!! and after all that dissing..they question me why i dont join them..puhleazze la... so almost 2 to 3 years later,im a commitee member for a debate competition and he's one of my crew. one of his friends blurted out that he has a crush on me.i thought it was a joke cos i dont remember talking to him enough for us to know each other to the extend tht he likes me. so the following night he asks me to see him and i went down the block to see him.he takes me around campus for a walk and confesses his love and asks me when can we be a couple.i was shocked and tht shock turned into a deep phobia and when i went home i was crying non-stopped..i was shaking and i was scared shit...of what i had no idea..till now..i have no idea.

the next day after a long day of classes and return home.i go to my desk to place my books,and what do i find? a piece of paper with my name written over and over again almost close to a hundred i think and red inked roses along the paper.i still have it till now but the thing is when i first saw it i freaked out and i was so angry i wanted to scream my head off. my housemates got worried and they asked me if i wanted them to tell him to stop and i just nodded.so they told him tht i wasnt ready for it.

now after 2 years all that happens and he's gone from campus,he messages me and thinking that its all in the past i reply and start chatting with him thru sms.he tells me something that just blows me away.he is still in love with me and he's waiting for me and despite everything i say he'll still keep waiting.this is a guy for the past 2 years has never called me,written to me or any communication at all and yet he still loves me?? i think he's just in love with love..and the idea of waiting.. my friends tell me that i shouldnt bother cos ive told him what i needed to say and let him be if he doesnt want to listen.but he's waiting at my expense..im thinking tht i might turn out to b a very cruel person for just letting him do that...and just keep waiting but nothing i could do to make him stop.

it if was anyother person..id die for such devotion but let me tell u about him. he's almost 6ft5 i think and a huge giant compared to me despite the fact im 5ft7. but he's very very girlish.my friend has seen him dancing in the room wrapped in a sari..and everytime he talks to me its all gosip bout this and that and who's doing what with whom..something tht i practically dont bother.. he's just not my type.if i took him in id have done it cos i sympthise with him.wouldnt i be hurting him if i wasnt being honest? i dont feel safe with him and i dont even feel like sharing anything like that. and ive always avoided him cos he has bad mouthed me a lot.so im still saying no no matter what. before he ever even told me he likes me he was already planning the future by planning how he wants to propose to my family and who will take care of me when he leaves for studies...hello???? do i look like someone who'd want all that???

and im not even past fuming that when Simon calls and asks me out.he's my first date and he ddnt want anything serious with me and here he is playing games all over again and i told him straight if he was coming for something else he'd better not come at all. so he apologized and said it would only be for a drink..he just wants to see me for a while..its been a year after all...s o i said ok..and he might just drop by tonight.

im sick and tired of all this nonsense.im throwing myself into work to avoid all the routine work and problems around.it makes me feel really lousy and makes me not wanna get up at all. maybe i'll go play basketball this evening again and just forget everything.. besides ive been chatting with a friend online and its been very great and relaxing..takes my mind on a lot of things when talking to him.. thanks a lot a Heman..

later...when im feeling better i'll write again..

back...

its been half a month since i wrote here.not tht i ddnt want to,the campus server broke down n im writing from my friends' place again. i'm having my mid semester break for this one week starting from today.yes..thats right..more leave...arghhhh!!!! boring laa..

well lets see..whts interesting so far..oh oh..i know.i just gotta write this down. i went out on Thaipusam day,on the 25th last month. i went to meet a friend that ive never met before but known each other for a while. i chatted with him before when college was still in langkawi but lost track after that.surprisingly one day he said hi when i was online,i ddnt remember him but he remembered every single detail about me. we caught up about everything and he was happy to know tht im in negeri sembilan now. coincidently he was on his semester break and was working part time.one day he messages me and asks me out..i just had to say yes.

his name is Rajkumar,he'll be 24 this year and he's an engineering student in KDU. he's from Perak. ok ok..back to the main story. so we met up in midvalley,he was an hour late due to the jam..i ddnt mind,went jalan jalan around while waiting for him. so finally he shows up and from the moment we met,we got on like a house on fire.it was laughter all the way..

we went looking for a place to have lunch when he suggested sushi.i was delighted cos i never had sushi before and been longing to try it. so we went to Sushi King and sat at the counter. he picked out everything for me to try and i tried everything. ..no holds barred...and he was happy tht i was daring enough to eat stuff that i ddnt know what it was.hahah..i even tried eel before knowing it was eel..hehehe

then we went to catch a movie.went to see National Treasure.it was okay,not that intersting but still just okay. we walked around for a bit and then he suggested coffee.so he took me to San Fran and he ordered coffee,let me pick out my fav cake and also his fav cheese cake.we sat outside and talked so long that we ddnt realize that we actually spent 3 hours there sharing cake and life stories...i even managed to watch the sky get dark..then it was time for me to leave cos i had to take the commuter back.so he sends me off,it was hard to part cos we were having such a lovely time.he told me if only he ddnt hav to work he would have accompanied me back and crashed in his relatives place in seremban.it was so sweet of him.and after promises of meeting up again and a very very long handshake..i finally left.we've been keeping in touch and probably will be going out again soon,when we both have leave actually..looking forward to that...

well thats the only highlight so far..woke up in a very bad mood today around 3pm.i absolutely refused to get up earlier due too my mood.only when my friends dropped by and asked me to join them only did i bother to get showered and all. the thing is the previous night i got a message from an old friend.well i dont want to get into that..maybe some other time la..

anyways..lets see what happens this week..Gong Xi Fa Chai..

hari raya haji...

raya is this friday..means friday holiday,saturday and sunday..then monday class,i have only one class and then 25th is Thaipusam..sigh..leave again..sigh. all totalling i actually have almost a week of leave and im not going home.everyone is going home and i'll be left alone for those few days..few days??? no lah..its 6 days!!!!!..sigh..

part of me is longing to go home cos i dont want to be alone..but home is much more lonelier..if theres such a thing. when i think of home i can almost instantly mess up my thoughts.its like a phobia i have now. ive been having bad dreams since all my troubles started but lately its getting worse.worse cos its affecting me badly.id wake up crying and i wont be able to sleep again..

my dreams are too horrifying as it focuses mainly on my mom's suicide attempts..i see things tht i never want to see..i hate it so much.. i wish it would go away..but i guess time will decide that. i know my family have began to hide things again from me.maybe becos im so tied up with my studies im almost drained and non-enthusiastic when i talk to them.. i feel bad cos i want to be there for them but i cant seem to do it. i have no more energy left,im not strong..

please dont think you know how strong i am just becos im able to hide things deep inside,im just pretending to be strong.im not,im just a kid in many ways. i cant deal with it..i really need help..serious help. im actually looking for organisations or something tht i can go to..maybe in this next few days tht i have leave...

what am i doing..im not even thinking straight.. i dont know..im in a mess.ive been having this heavy load in my chest that i cant seem to let out. i miss my family so much,my dad,mom..and even my bro.. but im scared to go home just incase i hear all those arguments again,incase more secrets come up when i pick up the phone..its too horrifying for me..its traumatizing.

im blessed with frens who love,trust,care and understand so much.but i never want to burden them cos its not fair..but i just am really helpless.. i want to go home but im scared shit. writing this almost doesnt make sense but these are my thoughts now..see how messed up it is?? i use to be organized but everything is a mess now...

i have a busy semester..and i have to focus right now. maybe i might take a trip to town when my friends are gone,if theres any tickets left..i might just go home...might..we'll see...

ghost stories...

im writing here from my friends' place. hanna and i decided to spend the weekend here. it was fantastic reunion with my four fav cats in the world..muahahahaha.miss them,big fatty lazy Ranma,pinkish Jedi, tiger-look-alike Junior and the ever non-growing Garfield..love them to bits!

last night we were watching a ghost hunting program from indonesia.ive watched the local product before but this is definately totally unlike it at all.these ones u can really see the images of the ghost and people being possesed by spirits and all..creepy but cool..

staying in this house,its like living in anime wonderland.my friends are so into anime u name it and they seem to have everything,one of the favs naturally being Naruto. me catching on the fever too,nothing good on tv so me join a long. i have to say its really cute and adorable tho the high-pitched voices does get to me sometimes.well not often enough to make me stop watching!

back to my ghost stories..man do i have a collection of stories or what. well the thing is back in secondary school i used to live in a boarding school.and since i was living on an island near borneo,the school was located at the corner of the island. history has it that that school was built on a land that was previously a Japenese 'slaughter house' during the war...imagine the stories i know..

on a personal experience,ive only had it twice.well its not exactly a viewing but just a mild unknowing experience. one time when i was about 3,something got into me and i couldnt stop crying the whole day and wouldnt eat for days.and despite all that i had a strength of an adult.even my dad couldnt hold me down and i had the strength to push him away..then they called the 'ghostbusters' and shooed it away,tied up a protection thingy for me and ive been safe ever since.got a guardian with me..hhehehe

second experience was in boarding school. one night my friends and i were staying up late in the tv room catching up with some homework and studies. we were sitting at a low coffee table when suddenly my friend came and sat really close to me.so i asked her if she was alright..she ddint answer me and when i looked at her she was as pale as a..welll a ghost so to speak...so i told everyone to gather up their stuff and head towards our dorms.

the next morning,i asked her what happened and she told me.she was feeling bored and was looking outside the window to the clothes drying area,there were no clothes there but she saw something white hovering.thinking it was her imagination she looked away for a few minutes.she looks back..the thing is still there..she looks away and looks back this time tht thing does something weird..it throws stones at her.when she looked at the stone it wasnt ordinary stones.it was round and whitish like pearls.thts when she freaked out and went beside me..

i guess we truly are living in a dimensional world and the otherside cant exactly be explained. living with supernatural forces and the unexplainable...



later..